Franz Beckenbauer was the last German emperor to do the most incredible things with the ball, but the crowning achievement was his sentence, cut with the outer instep: “Success is like a shy deer – the wind has to be right, the weather, the stars and the moon.”
Harry Kane is proof. FC Bayern’s English enforcer scores, scores and scores, the Guinness Book of Records has to be updated every week. His most recent 1-0 win in Cologne was Kane’s Bundesliga goal number 18, and that in the twelfth game. The very young Uwe Seeler needed 18 games to score 18 goals almost 60 years ago, and Kane has now broken Gerd Müller’s ancient record: The nation’s ex-bomber almost has to be ashamed posthumously, because he was in his heyday Only managed a paltry 17 goals in twelve games. And who else is talking about Robert Lewandowski? Compared to Kane, the Pole suffered from a slowdown at Bayern.
Even Kevin Keegan, his legendary compatriot, surpassed the Kane cannon with the Cologne goal. In the HSV uniform, the bustling Liverpool player scored 17 goals in the year of Tobak, but it took Keegan the entire 1978/79 championship season to achieve this.
As “Mighty Mouse”, Keegan was the whirlwind of the Bundesliga at the time, and those of us older than us who are not yet afflicted by nagging amnesia have a vague memory of a memorable Saturday evening in the ZDF sports studio. The moderator Dieter Kürten asked the curly-haired man from the city of the Beatles to perform a snappy song, and Keegan quickly sang his way into the hit parade: He climbed up into the studio audience, sat down next to a visibly happy young lady, took off her glasses and breathed on her tenderly kissed him on the cheek and, while she patted his thigh in return, he whispered his beautiful song “Head over Heels in Love” in her ear. The entire gym spontaneously fell head over heels in love with Keegan.
Kevin Keegan – brilliant striker, successful pop poet
Quelle: picture alliance/United Archives
So now Kane. Everyone likes him, even the Bayern haters only half-heartedly clench their fists in their pockets. Gone are the nasty days in the summer when the people of Munich paid 100 million in ransom for their superstar, which led to hostile debates about justice. A Hans-Jürgen P., for example, wrote: “My neighbor can mix concrete well, but can hardly pay his rent.” Kane has now curbed this resentment because he is not only hard-working and reliable, but is also an exemplary and decent person. The trade journal “Kicker” recently honored him in an initial interim report: “100 million. 100 days. 100 percent.”
Projection for Kane: 51 goals
Where does all this lead? You don’t need a high school diploma to anticipate the end, simple mental arithmetic is enough. 18 goals in 12 games means one and a half goals per game, in short: Kane will finish the season with an incredible 51 goals. Anyone who had mentioned this number earlier would have been immediately incapacitated in the nearest closed institution, because Gerd Müller’s 40-goal record from the 71/72 season was etched in stone for all eternity.
How did Lewandowski still manage to score one more in the 20/21 season? Either the count was wrong back then, or Miroslav Klose was right when he said: “Robert is a bit like me, only ten times better. He is complete, has both feet, is strong in the air and can shoot.”
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And now, just two years later, another of the millennium executors comes along and is ten goals better, even more complete, even stronger in the air, he even shoots from three feet, hits the middle of the goal from the halfway line when there is pressure, and runs also four times as much as the ex-bomber Müller. He always just waited in the penalty area for ricochets, which he then maneuvered into the goal with all his available limbs, if necessary with his certain something that starts with A and ends with rsch.
Bayern’s record man: Gerd Müller (l.)
Quelle: picture alliance/United Archives
And Müller would never have strayed onto the wings. “Where am I?” he should have asked the linesman out there. Müller’s range of motion was smaller than the diameter of his thighs. Researchers at the Cologne Sports University have determined: “The most successful center forward of all time ran three point five kilometers in some games, while today the average running distance of a goalkeeper is between four and five kilometers.”
Musical test of courage
Harry Kane averages 10.43 kilometers per game. He is also ice-cold in front of the goal, see Cologne, but he also moves deep, creates holes for his teammates and sometimes meets himself on the way. Kane is everywhere, but above all he scores, like Müller once did. Because every week he made sure that the goal celebration was the most beautiful music in the stadium, at some point someone asked him: “Can you actually sing too?”
In principle no, Müller defended himself. But because at the same time Emperor Franz unabashedly uttered his snippet of pity “You alone” into the microphone, the bomber Müller also followed the people’s wishes and sang his own praises. The song is one of the most heroic things ever made public as part of the musical test of courage, let’s listen to it again briefly: “Then it goes boom, yes, and then there’s a crash, and everyone screams: The miller’s doing it! Then it goes boom, then there’s a goal, and everyone screams: Müller forward!”
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Harry Kane, today’s Müller, is now almost as popular as the old one. Bayern have almost sold 100,000 jerseys with the name Kane, and they can no longer keep up with the flocking since the Englishman said after his goal in Cologne: “I feel at home in Munich.” From Lewandowski The Bayern fans had never heard anything like that, so they waved the Pole through to Barcelona as a legionnaire. In any case, no one ever asked him: “Can you sing too?”
Admittedly, this question for footballers involves high risks. Paul Gascoigne, the unforgettable Englishman, once sang along to a music album called “Let’s have a party!” and said afterwards: “Sorry, I only sound like Pavarotti when I fart.” Kevin Keegan also hesitated for a long time at the time , but then Chris Norman from “Smokie” presented him with this head-over-heels song, dragged him into Otto Waalkes’ Rüssl recording studio in Hamburg and reassured him after the first bars: “It’s okay, you can keep the tone.”
Keegan even made it into the charts back then and the fans couldn’t get enough of him. In any case, Harry Kane has to be clear about one thing: if he really manages to score 51 goals, he will be the second Englishman to end up in the gym at the end of the season. We’re already looking forward to the cover version of the old bomber: “Then it goes boom, yes, and then it crashes, and everything screams: Harry’s doing it!”
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