DYLAN MARTINEZ / REUTERS / picturedesk.com
The European Football Championship ends with a victory for England, but what remains is a bad taste. Fans complained that there were no dead guest workers, and there were no corruption scandals or hooligans. The allegations raise the legitimate question: can women’s football even be called football?
LONDON (AP) – Fans throng disappointed from the venerable Wembley Stadium after the final whistle. “Actually, I would have expected that they would pound a new stadium out of the ground for the European Championships, where a few thousand foreign workers from Bangladesh and India would normally die during construction,” explains a football fan with a hanging head.
“I really wanted to give women a chance, but not like this. On the pitch, they were constantly passing the ball around or scoring goals instead of spitting at each other, or biting their neck, or rolling on the floor theatrically for five minutes after a light touch like a real man would.”
Shocking rumors quickly made the rounds: “Supposedly not a single UEFA official took part in the award,” one fan whispers to another. “Awful! And that’s called ‘soccer’.” The hyped European women’s soccer championship turns out to be a sham.
disappointment
Roland (54), a traveling fan from Austria, also misses the authentic experience. “If a drunk Brit with a bizarre sunburn on his face doesn’t knock out two incisors after the game and then spat on me with a torrent of beer and sausage rolls, then that’s not real football for me, sorry ladies!” Roland also missed the traditional racism the ranks. “No monkey noises from the stands? Oida where am I please? At the children’s theater?”
open letter
There is also excitement among celebrity viewers. Actor, DJ, photographer, photographer-DJ, geopolitician, women’s soccer expert and DJ Lars Eidinger calls for renaming women’s soccer to women’s “soccer” in order to avoid misleading and not to provoke Putin. He is currently working on an open letter with 200 other men, most of them intellectual DJs. Working title: “Women’s football: The decadent West must stop unnecessarily provoking our great President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin!”
Associations promise improvement
FIFA and UEFA apologize today for the “serious image damage” that football has suffered and promise to improve. “I just received a bitcoin payment from the head of the Taliban…umm…sorry, I mean a phone call and his concept of hosting the next Women’s World Cup in Afghanistan sounds convincing,” said FIFA boss Gianni Infantino during the interview guest worker from Nepal keeps closing his eyelids so he doesn’t have to blink himself.
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