How to deal with this “baby clash”, this crisis that many new parents go through who are unable to overcome the many challenges and changes? Valérie Cooreman, clinical psychologist at the Saint-Henri Medical Center in Woluwe-SaintLambert, as well as at the Saint-Gilles Medical Center, gives us some keys to understanding.
How can we define “baby clash”?
The English language is quite expressive. This is a crisis of conflict between the couple upon the arrival of their baby. In other words “the crisis of birth”. The status of lovers gives way to that of parenthood, which does not always go without saying.
Is this a period that all parents go through?
Not necessarily. The more prepared we are, the less chance there is of experiencing said parental crisis. Very often, it is the strength of the love within the couple and the solidity of its foundations that makes all the difference. Maturity and good communication too. In absolute terms, a good couple already communicates well. Which will therefore make it easier for healthy parenthood to emerge. If the marital balance is already fragile, the clash seems inevitable. It is a period that involves ongoing adaptation and rehabilitation.
How is this tension expressed?
The daily routine being disrupted is a source of fatigue and stress, which, while juggling new responsibilities, can lead to irritability. It’s not easy not to shout to make yourself understood, especially when you’re at your wit’s end. The expectations and feelings of each person may be different. Hence the importance of communicating before birth, during pregnancy and when the newborn arrives. What is left unsaid can turn into misunderstandings and reproaches, or even virulent conflicts: “I do more than you, I do everything and you do nothing.” For example, some men may feel frustrated, criticized or left behind in the face of the psychological and physical transformation of their partner who has become a mother.
On what precise points are these tensions focused?
Sharing tasks, which, if fair, can help reduce stress. It is about being complementary and not duplicating. A mother is inevitably more tired and must accomplish a certain number of tasks that the father cannot respond to. She can feel discouraged and overwhelmed if she feels misunderstood, as her mental load is invisible and unquantifiable.
How to overcome this period?
Dialogue must remain in place. We must remain allies and accept that the couple is no longer a duo. That everyone must now find their place within a family which assumes the increased responsibility of a little being who asked for nothing. I speak of maturity because it is indeed a question of understanding and accepting to mourn the loss of one’s previous life, of one’s sleep, of one’s free time. It is an upheaval which involves a lot of joy but also an unprecedented change in the life of a couple.
Is the libido at half mast during this “baby clash”?
If there is a clash, the desire is less. And it’s no secret: sexuality is turned upside down like everything else. Mainly due to the physical factors linked to childbirth, as well as a multitude of other factors such as postpartum depression, tensions, misunderstandings… To get through the libido clash, it is again necessary to communicate well and to understand that it is temporary and to give yourself time to get back on your feet.
What percentage of couples break up because of this?
Difficult to say… From my point of view, and depending on the people I welcome in individual or couple therapy, I would say that 80% of the population is going through this crisis. And 20% which goes as far as the separation which finds its source in this “baby clash”.
More info: resiliencepsy.com
2024-03-09 09:03:13
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