Helping Kids Find Motivation: A Guide for Parents on Navigating Apathy and Disinterest

An hour of judo, then the violin lesson. But hurry, without wasting time, because there is catechism at 4pm. At 6pm online connection to do math homework together with the group. Result? In the evening our kids have dull eyes and stuck tongues. There’s no point speaking to them. They don’t respond and show no reaction. The only part of the body that is active are the fingers that continue to run on the phone. It is not surprising if, faced with daily schedules denser than those of a supermanager, which leave them no room for any variation on the theme, which take their breath away and consume all their energy, there are more and more of those who aside. At first they seem listless and apathetic. Then it happens that they decide not to go to school, sending the various training and improvement programs and courses to hell. And in the end they lock themselves in the room. End of broadcasts.

The parents blurt out: “But how? He played sports, did well in school. Now it seems that there is nothing left that could interest him. He has become listless, lazy”. A common condition throughout the West. The kids, experts say, have lost motivation. There are many reasons. Some easily understandable. Crushed by the sometimes exaggerated expectations of parents, by increasingly pressing demands for school and sports performance, by relational difficulties with the peer group, where rivalry and bullying often make everything even more difficult, there are many who prefer to raise the white flag always greater.

A “non-choice” that ends up confining boys and, to a lesser extent, girls – on the female planet resilience is greater – in the exclusive enclosure of the virtual, with all the well-known risks: psychological isolation, loss of self-esteem, confusion between digital and real, growing malaise. To help these teenagers get back into the game, to approach their discomfort with prudence and moderation, we need to have very clear ideas. And observe some important rules, to avoid doing more harm than good.

An expert like Ellen Braaten, professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School, explains it well in a recently published book, Brilliant Kids But Without Interests. How to awaken your child’s motivation (Franco Angeli, pages 228, €29). The scholar, who has long investigated the area of ​​evaluating learning and attention disorders, accompanies parents to identify the reasons that may have contributed to turning off the desire to do switch. Has the desire disappeared? Willpower? Self-esteem? Or are there more complex reasons, linked to relationships with peers? Or, again, it is appropriate to investigate the sphere of health, sleep, food, whose balance may have been unbalanced by psychological suffering. And then there is, impalpable and deadly as always, stress, “one of the reasons why kids get discouraged and get lost”, writes the expert.

Just thinking about our kids’ lives that are all too crowded with appointments and commitments, Braaten underlines that one of the “major sources of stress is the feeling of not having control of one’s life”. The worry of not being able to do your homework well – to cite the seemingly most banal cause – can become a source of chronic stress, in addition, of course, to more serious causes, as Covid has been in recent years. If then the stress of the children is added to that of the parents, triggered precisely by the worry of this moment of disorientation on the part of the children, the omelette is done.

There’s no point in getting angry, ranting, railing. Calm. A deep breath and let’s go again. For example, it is another suggestion from the psychologist, identifying and enhancing the strengths of children. Instead of repressing them by complaining about them, let’s try to trigger new energies. And what are these strengths? Do we have them very clear? Help in identifying them could come from teachers, sports coaches, but even grandparents and uncles could provide information that perhaps mothers and fathers miss. A simple path could be to reflect on the situations in which our son or daughter appeared particularly happy before the “freezing of desire” phase arrived. There may be sporting abilities, but not all kids have to be champions in this or that discipline. Indeed, sporting failure, or even the feeling of having disappointed parents’ expectations in this field, is often a source of stress. The expert suggests carefully examining aptitudes in school, social and emotional skills, but also in music, art and other activities. Often a small pearl is enough to regain self-esteem and desire to do.

After skills, another appropriate way to help a child is to focus on what makes him happy. At first it seems like the most complicated search. In fact, the first thing that parents say about a listless boy in an apparently pathological way, a boy who is cutting ties with the world he used to visit with interest, is that “there is nothing that makes him happy” . Of course, the psychologist assures, this is not exactly the case. In every situation there are activities capable of shaking apathy and dispelling boredom. In these cases, Ellen Braaten suggests, it is a question of questioning family patterns that are considered consolidated. Maybe we don’t spend enough time with our child, maybe we need to make sure that in our family “self-sacrifice and sacrifice are not the only values ​​considered such”. Important values, of course, but when they become exclusive objectives, when you work too much, when you focus too much on the result, that “too much” ends up triggering anxiety and a sense of inadequacy. And so the desire to escape from the world returns.

What to do concretely? It depends on the age of the boy/girl. For a sixteen year old the indications are naturally very different than those appropriate for an 8 or 10 year old child. The text presents a very detailed range of interventions, but in general two points can be kept in mind: setting achievable objectives, to be achieved gradually, and choosing the path of flexibility. In essence – and this applies to children of all ages – it is necessary to put aside the “fixed mentality”, according to which there are consolidated and immutable aspects, and open up to the opportunities of the so-called “growth mentality” which considers the possibility of changing and improving our qualities through our efforts. Sometimes it can be parents or teachers who have a “fixed mentality”, sometimes children. And the same can happen for the “growth mindset”. All these scenarios require a different approach, patience and intuition to intervene in the most appropriate way. And also to understand when you can do it yourself and when you need professional help (psychologist, child neuropsychiatrist, etc.). In both cases, the expert claims, it is possible to find a way out and offer the kids the winning idea to find the right motivation. Without rushing, without shouting, without getting angry.

2024-03-08 17:46:48
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