Joe Biden and Joe Flacco have the same first name. Both are from Delaware, one of the strangest places in America for a person to come from. It’s no small matter for Delaware. It may be impossible because I lack the information necessary to light up Delaware, a place that manages to stay dark despite being a two-hour drive from New York City and Washington DC. If America is your kitchen, Delaware is the weird little cupboard above the refrigerator. When was the last time you opened it? It’s been years isn’t it?
It is not entirely correct to say that it is Flacco and Biden from Delaware. Both arrived there via Pennsylvania (Flacco played in Pitt and Biden was born in Scranton). In any case, as remarkable numbers in connection with Delaware, they are in very exclusive company. This list of the most famous Delawareans can’t even reach 14 without calling up Delino DeShields.
Biden and Flacco both came onto the big stage in 2008, but only after some hesitation. When Obama first asked about Biden’s interest in the VP slot, Biden turned it down. Around the same time, Flacco was planning a future in baseball when he saw his NFL prospects wane.
Her fortune revolved around her baptism as the “Lunch Pail” guys who could conquer Ohio. Obama convinced Biden to join the ticket after observing his connection with working class voters, a skill that could help deliver swing states like Ohio. A few months earlier, the Ravens made a trip to Delaware and watched Flacco throw footballs he’d given himself in an unpainted field. It was cold, windy, wet and miserable; Even so, Flacco did well. The Ravens selected him a month later in the draft, arguing that his ability to perform in bad weather would be a good sign when visiting their division rivals in places like Cleveland and Cincinnati.
They screwed up all the time, and they still do. Indeed, both are known to be among the most gawking people in their respective areas of work. Biden plagiarized a speech by a British MP; Flacco is grazed after holding the ball four seconds too long. Biden bumps into a man whose name is likely not Fett, “Listen, Fat”. Flacco airmail is an absolute sucker who would qualify for intentional grounding if not intercepted. We could do this all day, but let’s leave it at that: your mistakes all seem to happen because they’re either way too impatient or way too patient.
It’s a struggle to manage these two. The formula for success seems to be to persuade them to just not do that much. At the beginning of the 2008 election campaign, Biden’s tendency to deviate wildly from the script irritated Obama to the extreme. Eventually, the campaign successfully brought him to a more conservative approach. Throughout his career, Flacco has been 31-49 in games where he has to throw at least 35 times. Otherwise he’s a staggering 67-27.
Over the years Flacco has been a major pillar in the Monday Night Countdown breakdown segment. It’s hard to choose a favorite gig, but I’ll go for this one where he tries to make a forward pass a few feet past the border with the marker right in front of him. Would you like to know what this segment is called? It’s called “Come on man!”
In 2007, when Flacco was throwing footballs in the FCS darkness and Biden was absolutely growing in the Democratic primary, it was impossible to imagine these two winning a Super Bowl and a presidency. Check them out now! Even in retrospect, neither makes sense, and both could only have happened under exactly the right circumstances. It was all about the jerseys they wore. Despite catching fire in the 2012 playoffs, Flacco was carried there by his defense during his own mediocre, unreliable play. Although Biden led the polls convincingly throughout General 2020, he was promoted there via the democratic establishment that formed around him.
In the Super Bowl, Flacco faced Colin Kaepernick, who, despite his very strong numbers, was finally expelled from the league due to radical sociopolitical views for which the establishment believed his base was not ready. Wait, I’ll have a glass of water.
Back. Where are the two of them now? Incredibly, they’re both number 1 on the depth map. They came here for a cocktail with very specific conditions, but primarily they are here because they just keep hanging out. Since Flacco entered the league, the sun has both risen and set. Kaepernick, Romo, RGIII, Luck, Palmer. All of these men were undoubtedly better quarterbacks at one time than Flacco, who waited them all. Just when it was looking like he was going to book his career as a backup with the Jets, an injury got him back on the grid.
It’s 2020 and Joe Flacco’s team is awful. Historically. Now that the Patriots, favorites of the reactionaries and long-time champions of their division, are rebuilt, the Jets finally have a window to fight again and they have completely failed to capitalize. After dumping their biggest star running back from Le’Veon Bell, their floor play is utterly nondescript. It’s polite to say the jets are being rebuilt, but what was ever built? They are decades away from their last Super Bowl. This would require them to build something entirely new, and if they had that in them we would have seen it a long time ago.
The old Delaware man is not the future and he is not the answer, but you have to put a man out there. Here it is again.
