Two of SAS Australia’s celebrity cards will be mercilessly removed from the show on Tuesday and dumped like the rotten toilet bucket that exploded all over them a few days ago.
Firass Dirani and Candice Warner are just the latest victims of reality TV. It’s a story as old as time. More specifically, it’s a story as old as the teeth whitening lasers made by Instagram.
You sign up thinking that the gig will reinvigorate your career and get you back to the top. Weeks later, on national television, you will be humiliated and stripped of every scandalous detail in your life. Then suddenly you get voted out of a show that you didn’t even realize you could be voted out of. And what’s left for you? There are tons of memes and GIFs depicting your worst on-air moments.
“It was a great experience,” they cry while forcing a smile – they are lying to us, but mostly to themselves about the unnecessary torture they have endured.
We’re sad to see Candice and Firass leave – but for very different reasons. Candice has proven herself physically and mentally and has been tormented a million times in the air because of this toilet-tryst scandal. Give the woman a break and just let her hang out.
And Firass? We don’t want to say goodbye to him either, just because we had hoped that he would continue to annoy everyone and that they would all have to perform a second intervention. But right before it gets canceled tonight, we’re treated to Firass who does the most Firass Thing. Well there are several things. More on that soon.
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The soldiers declare that they will kill celebrities by the end of the night. They say it’s because a lot of the stars don’t deserve to be here, but it’s really just because the finale is days away and the producers thought more of them would have fallen off by now.
So we have no choice but to drown the celebrities one by one and see who survives. Firass is more scared than anyone. Of course, he found a way to groom his movie star hairstyle with dirt and spit. Salon results at a fraction of the price! And now we’re ruining it with an attempted drowning. He spits out.
Before the celebrities are allowed to leave the ice hole, their focus is tested with random technical questions. Honey badger requires the most concentration.
“Who’s the best looking man you’ve ever seen?” The soldier screams.
“Sean Connery, staff!” Honey Badger yells back, not even missing a beat.
It honestly feels like we’ve just got an intimate glimpse into his soul.
The soldiers target Candice and Firass because they are not drowning well enough.
“She doesn’t push herself at all. It is lined flat. She doesn’t want to be here after the ice bath, ”they growl.
Gosh, Candice, we thought you said you were an iron woman. We revoke your medals.
And Firass?
“He uses up all his energy to be a tw * t,” spits one soldier.
This insult isn’t as imaginative as the time they called him the “blue-fisted dwarf freak show,” but it gets to the heart of the problem with Firass.
In the final challenge where the celebs are forced to pull a pile of heavy crap up a hill, Firass gets another very serious actor upon us. We love it when he gets a very serious actor because he’s just starting to say ridiculous things in a serious voice, and we’re almost embarrassed to even see it.
“I’m a bit of a masochist,” he winks at the camera. “I love pain. I feel alive. I have the feeling that I exist.”
Firass and Candice are not least dead, but the soldiers desperately want to eradicate them, and they do. While the celebrities prepare to hear the verdict, Firass goes and does the Firass thing that ever was.
Everything Firass does just needs to be done with a little oomph – that extra touch of pizza to stand out from the crowd. It’s probably something he picked up on as a very serious actor.
So he prepares for the mass culling and doesn’t realize the camera is pointing at him. At that moment, he presses a piece of orange peel onto his neck as a makeshift perfume.
Of course, Firass – who lived in prison and used a hole in the floor as a toilet – found a way to add a touch of Hollywood glamor to misery.
Anyway, the soldiers don’t care about his DIY perfumery skills and immediately drop him off the show along with Candice.
“The worst decision I’ve ever heard of,” he grumbles as he packs his bag.
And for the first time we agree with him. This is the worst decision. Now who is going to piss off all the other celebrities for our personal entertainment? The only remaining celebrities are weird athletes.
We’ll miss you, blue-fisted dwarf freak show.
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