Hello. We are thrilled to know that you have started practicing this sport. Our game is made up of endless joy and incessant frustration. If that phrase doesn’t come off as a paradox, congratulations, you’ve come to the right place.
Let’s start with an apology. We wanted to write it first, as golf has been inundated with new faces this year. However, just like the frosted spikes, planking, and American infatuation with British cooking shows, we thought it might be a passing fantasy. Yet autumn is around the corner and it’s easier to jump with a toothpick than to book a tee time, so… welcome!
With each new venture things are bound to be foreign, and as you may have noticed, golf seems to have an inordinate amount of curiosity. About what to do, how to do it, where to play and when, and why everyone has a strong opinion on someone named Bryson. Our goal is to answer your questions while also showing you the ropes to make you feel at home. Before we start, no, we don’t even have a passion for argyle.
For starters, the appetizer. That’s the man, probably retired, guarding the first tee box. He is a saint or a drill sergeant; there is no third person. If it seems like he’s taking his job a little too seriously, well, he is. All right! That job is to keep things running smoothly. Our advice is to treat him like you treat a bouncer: look him in the eye, don’t fuck, don’t talk unless you talk to him. Weird, yes, we know, but as a bar, be willing to endure a moment of discomfort for hours of fun.
To the game. You may be nervous, feeling the pressure to play well, especially if you are paired with strangers or good players. We try to alleviate your concern. Golfers don’t care about your score. If you stink, don’t worry. Almost all of us stink! Even those who don’t stink still do, because that’s why they play with you and not on TV. We just hope you are an interesting person or a good person.
That thing with the beat-to-hell AstroTurf mats is the range. We go there with the hope of trying not to smell, or to smell less, or at least try to stretch so that we don’t pull a muscle at the first tee. These are all Sisyphean fights. The same goes for your efforts on the green. You will do all your practice putts and then fail to get past six inches on the course. This is why the courses sell alcohol.
Dress code: As you may have noticed during the PGA Tour, players are now wearing hoodies, joggers, and collarless shirts. How he didn’t give Jim Nantz a shot is beyond us. Despite this relaxed dress code, it’s not a bad idea to play it safe with a polo shirt and shorts for the short term. And while we would never, ever try to put anyone’s body to shame, there is a specific figure, and position in life, you have to wear a collarless shirt. You do not have it.
Equipment: Get 14 flowers. You won’t hit any of them consistently, blame the poor results on said clubs, buy new clubs and hit them just as bad, if not worse. This may prompt you to ask a golf teacher for instructions, but in all likelihood you will only buy one more set of new sticks. Adapt your financial planning accordingly.
Rules: They are unclear, but not as unclear as they once were! There are many, but playing the ball as it lies will keep you out of trouble. Unless it’s in Mrs. Havecamp’s yard. Technically it’s out of bounds … but if you don’t see it, just swing it away.
We’re fine? Good. Because our intention with this letter is not entirely altruistic. There are some things we expect from you, even if you are a beginner. Particularly as a rookie.
You see, many of us see golf as a loved one. In fact, many of our true loved ones think we love golf more than they do, and for this we invoke the Fifth. This may explain why you are getting the same kind of coldness you get from your girlfriend’s father. In short, you have to prove that you are worthy to be part of the family.
Your main responsibility: don’t hold anyone back. Slow play is the bane of our existence. If we could, we would put the worst offenders into action from the clubhouse to be mocked and targeted with the driving range balls. To reiterate, it’s okay if you struggle. Just don’t be deliberate about it. Get a practice swing. Despite what you see on tour, you don’t need to read your line on either side of the cup. Forget what the wind is doing; your shot will probably not be high enough to be affected by the wind. Be ready when it is your turn to strike and if you have passed the triple bogey in one hole, pick up the ball and go to the next hole. After all, we are a caring group, but patience is not one of our strengths.
Also, label. The game isn’t short on civil graces, so we don’t expect you to know all the dignities and guidelines. There are, however, a handful of basic “don’ts”. Don’t speak in someone’s backswing. Don’t talk about another person’s swing. (Yes, we know it passed parallel. As we said before, we stink.) Do not enter the group in front. Don’t cross your partner’s line on the green. Don’t be overly coarse. Don’t spend 10 minutes trying to capture the perfect Instagram photo. Don’t sulk for a bad ride. Don’t get mad about a bad round. Just laugh at a bad ride, because, again, we all stink.
Oh, and most importantly, definitely don’t flirt with the cart girl. This is her place of work and she has already been beaten 50 times before reaching your group. Treat her like a human being.
Basically, if it’s something Michael Scott would do on an episode of “The Office”, don’t do it.
Look, we get it. This is a lot and can be read as a program, or worse, a “Stay away from our lawn” sign. But we want this game to stay special, and that’s sure for beginners to know because it is special. For all of the above, you will soon realize that there are few better things in life than a purified 7 iron or smoked record or sharing a drink at the club with the rest of the Thursday night league (something I can’t wait for. one day pass COVID) or stand on the first hole with nowhere to go and all day to get there. Whether your round is good or not (and we said we all suck, yeah?), Those are moments that make the sport so damn enjoyable.
So again, welcome to our beautiful game. And if you don’t mind us asking, where are you in the long-distance debate?
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