So let's see if I'm right. Someone may or may not have hacked into the secure server that the British government used to communicate with its people abroad and found out that our man in Washington DC, a chap called Sir Kim Darroch, had expressed solid men fair views on Donald Trump.
Sir. Trump immediately went to Twitter and said he would no longer work with the British ambassador.
And it has never happened before. No leader has ever stumbled upon the representative of a friendly government.
But if the president was to come under his desk in the Oval Office and put his fingers in his ears every time Sir Kim appeared, he couldn't do his job. So he stepped back.
Back in the UK, everyone was very intimidated about this, but unbelievably, instead of shooting the shooters and going after the hacker, everyone decided that Boris Johnson should blame.
Boris replied by saying "Oh well, now hang on. You have to understand that all this is a calicem tea tempestate don't wait dammit, I slipped into Latin there I didn't?"
Which is basically what he does when asked a question. Even what would he like for breakfast?
"Ova lardo et occupies et calicem capulus."
This disturbed an all-orange Tory MP called Mr Duncan, who said Boris had thrown our ambassador on a bus, but he didn't have time to do it because a former Tory leader, the all-gray John Major, was on the radio and said that if Boris suspends the parliament to have Brexit done, he will take him to court.
It's all madness. Johnson will get the job and will be sent to Brussels to negotiate our exit from the EU with hands and feet tied together and with one of these S & M leather balls in the mouth.
Unless we can use the threat of a No Deal departure, we cannot negotiate. It's so simple. But no one seems to have realized.
You would expect the Labor Party to notice, but unfortunately it has major problems in itself. It hates Jews and people are beginning to notice it.
As soon as it is goodbye to Mr Corbyn and a great terrible hello to John McDonnell, who is Kim Jong Un, in a tie.
Now you can imagine it with both main parts in complete disarray, and the president of America effectively sank the queen's representative, and the impossible that Brexit overwrites our path as an out-control bison will be in the country's complete disorder.
And yet, Wimbledon is on the television, a lovely new pub opened in the next village, the doctors still have to work, the post is still being delivered, and we are on holiday.
Which makes me wonder. Does the country drive a little better when it doesn't run at all?
Ideas are wasted on these half-thoughts
There is a concert hall in Bristol that keeps it as it calls a Festival of Ideas all year round.
People are invited to talk, play music, have discussions. Michael Palin will soon have a talk about North Korea.
And then there is an event hosted by "inspiring women". Last week Johnny Ball turned up. Do you remember Johnny?
He was known to be cheery on telly about math, and now he is famous for being Zoe Balls father.
In any case, the jolly old soul said that the origins of Islam were violent and that climate change was not an emergency.
People stormed out. They went on Twitter to avenge.
He actually denied climate change, sobbed a hairless woman. And at one point he spoke with a German accent, bellowed another.
Well, first and foremost, if your idea of an evening is traipsing in Bristol to listen to a very old man talk about mathematics, you obviously lead a very lonely and friendless life.
But more than that. It's a festival of ideas that you halve. This means that there is a chance for you to hear the opinions and views of others.
Do not moan if you do not agree with them. Just go home to your cat and thank God that you live in a country where you are allowed to disagree with people and they are allowed to disagree with you.
Vegas for dummies
I have often wondered why Las Vegas is chosen by so many people as a suitable place for a hen or deer night.
Because if the stories we hear and the movies we've seen are true, the bride or groom comes home with a gambling addiction, an inappropriate tattoo and an embarrassing itch.
It is therefore more sensible to go to Vegas not to celebrate the start of a relationship, but the end.
And that's precisely why Virgin Holidays has started offering divorce holidays.
So the recent single and their friends can put their hair down in a blizzard of bright light and plain headrests. However, there is a small problem.
I have been to Las Vegas many times and when you have gawped at the fountains at Mirage and eaten a steak that is larger than your face, and said "Oooh!" When you first see the Grand Canyon, you are full of things to do.
There is always a feeling that Prince Harry is in the next room with his tears around his ankles and that everyone else is out at a pool party with Mike Tyson and Jennifer Lawrence, but the truth is they are not.
They are like you. Bored. Hot. And bread.
It doesn't make a hole very sensible
Sometimes since I moved to my London street, I wondered about Tarmac's smoothness.
There is no ripple or even the start of a pothole.
It is as perfect as the center court. So this week they revived it.
How does that happen? Who looks at all the capital city's poorly pockmarked roads and thinks: "Let's fix the only one that's fine".
Good work, he's not a doctor. Because he wanted to spend all day visiting visitors rather than patients.
De-sign is words perfect
ELECTRONIC road signs used to explain redirects will now be set to provide advice in English and nine other European languages.
This is because a Latvian or Romanian truck often misses the sign and ends up lost and then stuck in a yard or lake.
Initially, I should ask how to read a character that sends in ten different languages when you whizzing past at 50 mph.
But that's because I'm technically behind. In fact, sensors will read the number plate on the nearby vehicle, determine which country it is from, so instruct the sign to send its message in the appropriate language.
Well done for all concerned. That's a really good idea.
Here we go again. The M25 was closed for eight hours this week because there was spilled diesel on the roadway.
Right. I see. And it couldn't be washed away by the fire department?
Or are there any environmental regulations that say it should be soaked in the hypoallergenic fungi by trained personnel before being transported in a hybrid car to a reusable recycling plant? In fact, you should not answer it.
DR ROBERT LEFEVER
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Another day. Another lane closure. This time, an Audi walloped a lamp post, pretty hard at the look of things.
The police arrived and stuck from the scene of the accident and then while an officer was standing around, did nothing, the other shot over the central reservation and went to McDonald's for a Big Mac.
Meanwhile, the queue became longer and longer and longer. . .